What the hell am I doing?
I find myself experiencing the same problems over and over again, and I can’t seem to break free from them. It’s almost as if I want myself to fail so that I don’t have to face the real world. But of course I don’t actually want myself to fail… maybe its the fear of failure that keeps me from actually trying to achieve the things I claim to want so badly. Maybe it’s my undying fear of being imperfect, that actually causes me to be more “imperfect” than ever.
How can I make myself understand something that I already seem to understand? I wonder if it’s my constant lack of self-talk. Do I provide myself enough support?
I think I need to first: stop focusing on my biggest problems, don’t give in to them, and constantly keep talking to myself through any issues or “triggers” as I like to call them.
You see, every problem stems from some sort of trigger. The key is figuring out what that trigger is.
Trying to talk myself through one: Food Addiction. It’s a weird phenomenon, to be addicted to things that are meant to be healthy for you. However, no one is addicted to fucking asparagus. It’s always the marshmallows, the peanut butter, the fried bread, whatever! It’s an emotional attachment to things that you really know you shouldn’t be. And the issue here, is that I never have this problem when I keep myself busy… so maybe it isn’t an addiction at all, but rather a habit.
So how can we; I; you; your grandma; your grandma’s dog; whomever; break this habit?
(Who are we kidding that dog is never gonna get over his food addiction. He should just GIVE IT UP already. Asshole.)
There was a point last year for about 4 months that I was actually doing really well with my eating patterns, and this was because I had voluntarily placed restrictions on what I claimed to eat. I went Vegan, and then I even went Fruitarian for 3 weeks in order to try and fix some underlying health issues that I had and most likely still have.
I think I was able to do this because I immersed myself with the knowledge of how food is made, i.e. the dangers of factory farming, food that will help you gain tremendous health, you know the jist of it. But some point after I realized it wasn’t working for me, I stopped eating that way. I had lost weight, but I still felt unhealthy. And now, I have gained back what I lost, and that sucks ass for sure. However, I have decided not to beat myself up over it, because I know I can lose it again– maybe that’s the reason I am procrastinating?
For some reason I just cannot get myself to commit to that sort of lifestyle at the moment, and I have been compassionate with myself by allowing myself to eat whatever comes to heart, but currently, I fear that this shit has gone on too long. You see, my issue is different than say someone who has anorexia or bulimia. My issue is the fear of food, my issue is the fear of the unknown and perhaps, a fear of myself.
So here is where I am currently situated in my journey to mental and physical health:
So far I have done nothing.
HAHA. Sorry, what? You weren’t expecting someone to admit that shit isn’t all just fine, dandy and sprinkles currently?
Tough luck, duuuude. Because someone in this world needs to be honest that shit is hard all the time, and you don’t just overcome things to be perfect all the time. You overcome them and then you realize you’re happier, but it still ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. Right now, I’m not even at the happier stage. I’m at the: getting-over-trauma-and-no-one-gives-a-shit-because-this-world-is-cold-as-ice-damn phase. And guess what? I’m okay with it.
Just fucking kidding! Why would I be okay with that? What the fuck!!??
Sorry, I am just enjoying this post too damn much.
Guys, OK. Seriously, for a minute, listen to me here. It’s OK to be completely broken. (I’m not completely broken at least, just struggling.) It’s OK to be semi-broken. It’s OK to be broken, but also taped up like a shattered porcelain lamp. It’s OK to be brand new but still upset. It’s OK to be a dancing lobster with no legs. I really have no room to judge your journey, but this also means you can’t be concerned with judging other people’s journeys, too. You gotta fight the good fight, and keep on struggling. Identify your triggers, and find some online guru to give you the propaganda you need to buy into your own message of self-love and self-respect (just don’t buy anything, please).
Two things I noticed about myself for example are that I don’t have a problem when I keep myself busy all day & I don’t have a problem when I restrict which foods I am eating. Rather than saying can’t, say don’t.
I can’t have this steak.
Actually, you CAN have this steak, you just don’t want this steak. You think you need this steak because you’re used to having this steak, but really you don’t need it and you don’t want it because you’re desire for change is much greater than any weird habitual desire that you have for this steak.
I feel like I have nothing else to say currently on this topic… so I will end it here. There’s no need to drag on a post when I have nothing left to say.
What do you guys do when you feel like you have a deeply ingrained problem that’s become a habit? How do you combat your perceived fears?
Feel free to email me at Driftingbrain[@]mail.com or comment below.
Copyright February, 2017-present.