And guess what? I have eleven fucking members. HA!
I decided to start the group after my grandma told me to, actually.
I don’t speak to her very often for some reason– I guess just convenience? Eh. More like laziness. I’m working on it.– but whenever I do speak with her, it’s almost like an epiphany flows through the phone right into my heavy ears.
She made me realize how antisocial I was being– hmm.. maybe I was even verging on curmudgeonly. And here’s the thing. I’ve spent the past couple of years telling myself that I needed nothing and no one to make myself happy. And even though I have been pretty unhappy these past years, I had convinced myself that other people only serve as the rain that clouds my already shit show of a life. I had this idea that someone liking me actually was worse than being a lonely, miserly hag. Here’s the logic of it:
Unhappy Me+Happy Other+ Happy Other Likes Unhappy Me= Makes me feel worse about feeling worse about myself & makes me feel like I’m a liar and like they don’t really know or see the real me, therefore I must hide forever until I love myself, which is an infinite amount of who-the-fuck-knows-when-that-will-happen.
Wooooooooo. I am glad I got that off my chest. I’m still not over that logic, though, to be quite honest.
NONETHELESS, I started a meet-up called Deep-Thinking Introverts. I couldn’t think of anything else clever, and certainly nothing punny, because well, I didn’t feel like dealing with shallow folks. I made the group private, it had 6 questions, and eventually I would end up accepting people slowly, but surely. Just kidding, it’s been 2 days and (UPDATE) the group has 14 people. I think this says something about how we perceive ourselves and others, though, and I don’t want to short-circuit my point here.
So, I made a group, but I made it into a mutual support group for people like me. While some people joined because they liked the idea of being a creative, deep-thinking type, others really joined because they felt like outsiders, or had a rough year, or really wanted to give this place, a mutual place of in depth conversation, a shot. And so, our first meet-up is in a couple of weeks, and I am terrified. Terrified of being rejected, judged, dismantled… but I committed to it– I’m running it for God’s sake!
So here’s to the ones who are lonely, isolated & longing, maybe secretly, for human connection. Stop waiting for the perfect moment & start slowly moving towards hope– away from fear.